Thursday, May 20, 2010


Expressing frustration and hurt regarding broken relationships, a young lady recently shared, “Everytime I finally reach solid ground, there’s an earthquake and I fall right back to the dark bottomless pit. I’m so angry with myself!” My heart went out to her because I understand her pain and confusion. Because she reported that my response to her “hit the nail on the head,” I thought it might be helpful to others who find themselves in a similar situation.

I want to share a memory with you that has come to mind several times while praying for you.

One day when I was grieving yet another failing relationship, I cried out to the Lord, "What is it about me that attracts such messed-up people?" His immediate response, "Bonnie, have you ever considered that the reason you repeatedly get into these kinds of relationships is because you never ask My opinion about them." I froze in my tracks. I hadn't even considered this! How could I expect relationships to be fulfilling if they weren’t relationships that God desired for me in the first place?

It was at this point when I realized, “There are hurting, ‘messed-up’ people no matter where I go and if I don’t deal with the issues in my own heart that attract me to them in the first place, I’ll get connected with them no matter where I go! Unless I want to repeat the painful process, I must start seeking God’s guidance and direction in relationships.”

I was beginning to realize that there are “healthier” people out there, but unhealthy people don’t attract healthy people! Consequently, I found myself asking, “What causes me to be attracted to these people to begin with?”

I often connected with wounded people because I could identify with their pain and I wanted to help them. I sense you have a similar heart. In some ways I did help them. Yet, I would end up getting hurt because they weren’t meeting my needs. I expected unhealthy people to respond in a healthy way. They can’t!

I realize now that I was also placing too much emphasis on trying to get my needs met through people. I need a dad, but…other men can’t fill that void. I need unconditional love, but… wounded family and friends aren’t capable of that. In fact, if people could fulfill those needs, we wouldn’t need God! Do you suppose that He may have designed things that way?

The only way that our relationships will come even close to being fulfilling is if we seek intimacy with Jesus first.

I realize that this may sound kind of trite, but in my efforts to deal with the hurt and disappointments of relationships, I have found that this is true. When we place our relationship with Jesus in its proper order, we will find that we begin to seek out relationships with others who certainly won’t be perfect, but who also desire and are working toward getting their lives on the “right track.” This doesn’t mean that we won’t connect with “unhealthy” people. If we walk in the footsteps of Jesus, we certainly will. However, our motives for doing so and our response to their unhealthiness will be changed.

I freely admit that I don’t have all the answers, but… if I can help others by exposing my mistakes and sharing the lessons I’ve learned along the way, it makes the struggles all worth it. Be assured that I’d be willing to go through it all over again to see both your and other’s lives filled with genuine peace and joy.


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