The Dysfunctional Family Wheel – Part 4 Find Healing for Addiction While Helping Your Spouse Adjust

Over the last three weeks I’ve written about how the spouse is affected when an addict begins to find healing. It is also necessary to address how the addict can continue to find healing while helping the spouse adjust to the frightening changes? I’m going to list-out some necessary steps for the addict to take, however I’m not suggesting a cookie cutter plan that guarantees specific results. Taking these steps is not to be for the purpose of manipulating the spouse, rather to help the addict recognize what is necessary for his/her own healing and to create an environment that is most conducive to the healing of the spouse. In doing so, it is necessary that the addict:

• Ask for forgiveness for all the ways in which the addiction has affected the life of the family.
  • It doesn’t really matter how the spouse responds, what’s important is that the addict humbly verbalizes the recognized impact of his/her behavior.
  • Asking for forgiveness also requires a response, placing the spouse in a position to consider whether or he/she is ready/willing to forgive. The addict needs to be prepared to understandingly accept that the spouse may not be ready.
• Affirm that

It is impossible to live with an addicted person and not be affected,

but it is very possible, with God's help,

to live with an addict and not be controlled by his/her addiction.

Explain that his/her desire is to help the spouse come to this point of freedom.

• Help the spouse to recognize that the time, energy and resources that he/she has spent trying to change and protect the addict has not worked, therefore changes are necessary.
• Point out to the spouse that rescuing prolongs the inevitable. Giving specific examples, the addict needs to help the spouse to see that even though it may feel unloving, it is absolutely necessary for the recovery of the entire family for the spouse to stop rescuing:
  • “If I miss work, do not call-in for me. I realize that this may be difficult because we all suffer the consequences if I lose my job, but accountability for my choices it is necessary for my recovery.”
  • “Please do not continue to lie to people about my behavior. If I’m in bed drunk, I need for you to be honest about my true condition.”
  • “If I request money to purchase alcohol, I need for you to deny my request.”
• Explain how important it is to sobriety that an addict remains committed to meetings, sponsorship relationships etc., yet, assure the spouse that he/she is loved and that time with him/her is necessary. Jointly determine a time together that can best be worked into the schedule.
• While open and honest dialogue is essential and can be necessarily painful, it often leads to disagreements, arguing, digging-up old circumstances and blaming. Make a commitment to not fall into this trap, but to remain available for loving, constructive conversations even when it hurts.
• Describe the deep guilt that he/she already feels and help the spouse understand that heaping more guilt upon him/her does not help, but is emotionally and spiritually debilitating. Help the spouse to realize that maintaining a focus on redeeming virtues would be far more helpful than the paralyzing guilt!

Don’t wait for your spouse to change in order to move ahead in your healing.

God seems to use the healing of one person to begin the process in another.

As you make changes in how you approach your addiction, it forces your spouse to begin to re-evaluate and make changes in his/her approach. Don’t assume that this means that your spouse will choose to seek healing, he/she may not. You can’t control the outcome. As difficult as it may be to accept, your only responsibility is to stay focused on what God has for you and leave His plan for your spouse up to Him. He is sovereign and His plan and timing is perfect for both of you!

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S. Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/. You may also contact me at:

Bonnie Jaeckle

In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

Diagonal Progress

505 Jefferson St.

Diagonal, IA 50845

The Dysfunctional Family Wheel – Part 3 - Detaching From the Addict

Over the last two weeks I've been writing about addiction and the affect that healing has on the addict and his/her spouse.  Today I would like to explain the need for the spouse to learn to detach from the addict.  While the Bible teaches, "For in Him we live and move and exist” (Acts 17:28), the spouse has learned to live and move and have his/her being in the addict rather than in God.  This is idolatry and is no less sinful than the addict’s behavior!

Learning to live a life not centered on the addict sets both parties free to be responsible for their own behavior.  However, detachment is not an easy task.  One of the strongest, but subconscious reasons for attachment is that preoccupation with the addict’s behavior takes the spouse’s focus off of his/her own unhealthiness.  The spouse has been blaming the addict for years for his/her unhappiness because it is easier than blaming himself/herself.  Evaluating our own hearts feels too risky, consequently we tend to do anything to avoid it, including focusing on someone else’s issues rather than our own!

Detachment does not mean giving-up on or abandoning the addict, rather it means recognizing their behavior is not our responsibility nor is true happiness found in them, but in God.

Our focus must become centered on our relationship with God 

rather than the addict and their behavior.

I’m reminded of a wife who came to the place of being thankful for her husband’s addiction because she recognized that God had used it to expose her unhealthy heart and to draw her to Himself.  Where does one begin to make such a transition?

Although it may not be his/her intention, the spouse is attempting to play God when he/she tries to control people and circumstances.  His/her subconscious goal is to create relationships and an environment in which he/she feels safe, however we must submit to the reality that we are not truly able to control anyone or any situation.  The first step toward detachment is coming to the realization that God is sovereign over all things and people.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"

(Proverbs 3:5, 6).

The spouse tends to be in denial regarding his/her own problems.  He/she typically fails to recognize that his/her actions and reactions to the addict are not only unhelpful, but feed into the addict’s behavior.  The next step in detachment is to acknowledge the reality of his/her own unhealthiness and admit his/her part in the addictive cycle.

"If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins 

and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us"

(1 John 1:8-10).

Facing what we truly are is frightening!  We fear facing our own unresolved issues.  We fear that showing our true self will result in others; especially the addict, rejecting us.  While we long for intimacy, we fear allowing anyone to get too close.  If we are convinced of God’s love for us, however we are free to love others unconditionally and to allow them to love us, just as we are.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, 

shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"

(Romans 8:38, 39).

Being certain of God’s love for us, and our inability to control anyone or anything, we are ready and willing to seek God’s wisdom and guidance.  In doing so, our focus is taken off the addict and placed on our personal unhealthiness and on the only One who can transform us.  At this point we have transitioned from idolatry into worship of the One true God!  Genuine and lasting healing will not take place until this transition is made!

Whole-Heartedly,
Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:
             Bonnie Jaeckle
             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life
             Diagonal Progress
             505 Jefferson St.
             Diagonal, IA 50845

The Dysfunctional Family Wheel – Part 3 - Detaching From the Addict

Over the last two weeks I've been writing about addiction and the affect that healing has on the addict and his/her spouse.  Today I would like to explain the need for the spouse to learn to detach from the addict.  While the Bible teaches, "For in Him we live and move and exist” (Acts 17:28), the spouse has learned to live and move and have his/her being in the addict rather than in God.  This is idolatry and is no less sinful than the addict’s behavior!

Learning to live a life not centered on the addict sets both parties free to be responsible for their own behavior.  However, detachment is not an easy task.  One of the strongest, but subconscious reasons for attachment is that preoccupation with the addict’s behavior takes the spouse’s focus off of his/her own unhealthiness.  The spouse has been blaming the addict for years for his/her unhappiness because it is easier than blaming himself/herself.  Evaluating our own hearts feels too risky, consequently we tend to do anything to avoid it, including focusing on someone else’s issues rather than our own!

Detachment does not mean giving-up on or abandoning the addict, rather it means recognizing their behavior is not our responsibility nor is true happiness found in them, but in God.

Our focus must become centered on our relationship with God 

rather than the addict and their behavior.

I’m reminded of a wife who came to the place of being thankful for her husband’s addiction because she recognized that God had used it to expose her unhealthy heart and to draw her to Himself.  Where does one begin to make such a transition?

Although it may not be his/her intention, the spouse is attempting to play God when he/she tries to control people and circumstances.  His/her subconscious goal is to create relationships and an environment in which he/she feels safe, however we must submit to the reality that we are not truly able to control anyone or any situation.  The first step toward detachment is coming to the realization that God is sovereign over all things and people.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"

(Proverbs 3:5, 6).

The spouse tends to be in denial regarding his/her own problems.  He/she typically fails to recognize that his/her actions and reactions to the addict are not only unhelpful, but feed into the addict’s behavior.  The next step in detachment is to acknowledge the reality of his/her own unhealthiness and admit his/her part in the addictive cycle.

"If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins 

and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us"

(1 John 1:8-10).

Facing what we truly are is frightening!  We fear facing our own unresolved issues.  We fear that showing our true self will result in others; especially the addict, rejecting us.  While we long for intimacy, we fear allowing anyone to get too close.  If we are convinced of God’s love for us, however we are free to love others unconditionally and to allow them to love us, just as we are.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, 

shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"

(Romans 8:38, 39).

Being certain of God’s love for us, and our inability to control anyone or anything, we are ready and willing to seek God’s wisdom and guidance.  In doing so, our focus is taken off the addict and placed on our personal unhealthiness and on the only One who can transform us.  At this point we have transitioned from idolatry into worship of the One true God!  Genuine and lasting healing will not take place until this transition is made!

Whole-Heartedly,
Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:
             Bonnie Jaeckle
             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life
             Diagonal Progress
             505 Jefferson St.
             Diagonal, IA 50845

The Dysfunctional Family Wheel – Part 2 There Is Hope

Last week I shared a brief description of a wife who struggles with the changes as her husband turns his back on former addictive behavior.  I also offered some insights about the various roles within the dysfunctional family wheel.  This week I would like to focus on what happens within a marriage when one begins to heal.  First it is important to understand that there is nothing further from the truth than the expectation that everything will simply fall into place if the addiction would only stop.  While the outside world may view the addict as the “sick one in the family,” my typical response to that is, “unhealthy hearts don’t attracted healthy hearts”!  Although it may manifest in varying ways, the spouse is usually no more healthy than the addict, and the contaminated yeast spreads throughout the entire family.  There is more than the visible addictive behavior that needs to change!

Typically the spouse has played the martyr for years, complaining about the addict’s behavior; however when the addict begins to show interest in being more responsible and helpful, the spouse often resents the addict for “butting into” the world that the spouse has controlled “just fine” alone.  Recovering addicts often feel as though they don’t fit in, are not needed and can’t do anything right.  While it is false security, spouses typically feel safer having the addict dependent upon them and are intimidated by their new independence.  Recovering addicts feel that they were more acceptable to the spouse before they began to seek healing and fight the temptation to return to old patterns of coping.

During the early stages of recovery, the addict’s focus is on healing; leading to limited time for family.  In fact, it often seems that one addiction is replaced with another, i.e. from drugs to Bible study and/or recovery meetings.  In an effort to “stay clean,” the addict often separates from compromising relationships and begins to develop relationships with those who are supportive of healing; consequently it’s not uncommon for the spouse to still feel neglected.  They are both either afraid to talk about their feelings for fear that it will only lead to a relapse or the spouse doesn’t mince any words hoping to shame the addict into returning to his/her “normal’ self.  They both begin to wonder if they have anything in common any longer and the addict often feels as though he/she has grown beyond his/her spouse.

Is there any hope?

Addicts are often drowning in guilt; however their spouses have more difficulty recognizing that they too have fed into the unhealthy cycle.  Without conviction that the damage done in the family is just as much their responsibility as that of the addict, there is little hope for marital healing.  Once conviction has settled deep into the heart of those who are trapped in the unhealthy cycle, they must find hope that change can take place.  Without hope there will never be any sustaining action toward healing.

As inconceivable as it may seem, there is hope!  I have seen the redemptive power of God manifest itself in marriages that appeared to be all but dead when humble and contrite hearts place their lives in the hands of God.  I have witnessed the devastation of addiction, restored not to the original unhealthy relationship, but used to build stronger more Christ-like marriages beyond anything the couple ever imagined.

Don’t give up!  Stay-tuned for next week’s article on the process of recovery.

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at: 

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845 

The Dysfunctional Family Wheel

Through my years of counseling, it wasn't uncommon to visit with someone who was struggling with changes in their spouse who was working at leaving an addiction behind.  One would think that they would be elated; however, I was recently reminded of the interesting cycle that takes place which causes great turmoil for the one who is ultimately addicted to their spouse’s addiction.

                                   

Fighting back tears, a wife recently shared that she was tempted to leave her husband who had been off drugs for several months and was now spending a tremendous amount of time in God’s Word and prayer.  We were in a public setting not conducive to much dialogue, but having heard a similar story hundreds of times, I knew that I could almost write her book.

The best description I’ve found is that of a wheel.  The rim represents the family unit.  The hub represents the addict.  The spokes represent the other family members, whose lives are connected to that of the addict.  Through the years, each member takes on a specific role as a means of survival.  They come to understand what their position must be in order to maintain a sense of balance and consequently function accordingly.  As unhealthy as it may be, their role becomes familiar and feels safe to them.

Common roles within this dysfunctional family wheel include:

• Enabler:  Feels responsible for the emotional well-being of others.  While they tend to be peacemakers, inwardly they are angry and self-righteous.
• Scapegoat:  Acts out the unspoken family conflict through disgraceful behavior causing the focus to be taken off of the foundational family issues.
• Hero:  Their worth is dependent upon fulfilling values and dreams of others, regardless of their personal needs or wishes.  Performance-oriented, overly responsible and likely a workaholic in an effort to maintain the coveted family role.
• Mascot:  Family clown attempts to find and offer relief from the emotional pain through joking and silliness.
• Critic:  Faultfinding, sarcasm and mean-spirited teasing are their weapons for gaining power and self-preservation.
• Lost Child:  Withdrawing into their own world through T.V., reading, etc., they cause little problem within the family.
• Manipulator:  Knows every trick to use for controlling each family member in an effort to assure that they get what they want.

When one member of the family begins to find healing and wholeness,

especially the hub,

it throws the entire wheel off balance.

The remaining family members scramble to maintain equilibrium in this new family environment.

A typical reaction is to get angry at the one who has shifted

in an effort to force them “back into alignment.”

It is important to remember that behind every angry heart is fear.  Out of this fear, family members may attempt to sabotage the recovering addict’s efforts because the resulting sense of disequilibrium feels threatening to them.  They are afraid of the unknown, afraid of not being needed any longer; afraid of what their new role may be and afraid of not liking the “new person” who is emerging into their family.  This is why it is so very common to find someone who leaves one addict only to “hook-up with” another.  Without realizing it, they are seeking that which is familiar to them.

How can this wife respond in ways that are most helpful to herself and her husband?  How can her husband continue to find healing, yet help her adjust to the changes she faces?  I hope to offer some suggestions in next week’s “Searching for the Whole Hearted Life”.

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845