The Dysfunctional Family Wheel – Part 3 - Detaching From the Addict

Over the last two weeks I've been writing about addiction and the affect that healing has on the addict and his/her spouse.  Today I would like to explain the need for the spouse to learn to detach from the addict.  While the Bible teaches, "For in Him we live and move and exist” (Acts 17:28), the spouse has learned to live and move and have his/her being in the addict rather than in God.  This is idolatry and is no less sinful than the addict’s behavior!

Learning to live a life not centered on the addict sets both parties free to be responsible for their own behavior.  However, detachment is not an easy task.  One of the strongest, but subconscious reasons for attachment is that preoccupation with the addict’s behavior takes the spouse’s focus off of his/her own unhealthiness.  The spouse has been blaming the addict for years for his/her unhappiness because it is easier than blaming himself/herself.  Evaluating our own hearts feels too risky, consequently we tend to do anything to avoid it, including focusing on someone else’s issues rather than our own!

Detachment does not mean giving-up on or abandoning the addict, rather it means recognizing their behavior is not our responsibility nor is true happiness found in them, but in God.

Our focus must become centered on our relationship with God 

rather than the addict and their behavior.

I’m reminded of a wife who came to the place of being thankful for her husband’s addiction because she recognized that God had used it to expose her unhealthy heart and to draw her to Himself.  Where does one begin to make such a transition?

Although it may not be his/her intention, the spouse is attempting to play God when he/she tries to control people and circumstances.  His/her subconscious goal is to create relationships and an environment in which he/she feels safe, however we must submit to the reality that we are not truly able to control anyone or any situation.  The first step toward detachment is coming to the realization that God is sovereign over all things and people.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"

(Proverbs 3:5, 6).

The spouse tends to be in denial regarding his/her own problems.  He/she typically fails to recognize that his/her actions and reactions to the addict are not only unhelpful, but feed into the addict’s behavior.  The next step in detachment is to acknowledge the reality of his/her own unhealthiness and admit his/her part in the addictive cycle.

"If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins 

and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us"

(1 John 1:8-10).

Facing what we truly are is frightening!  We fear facing our own unresolved issues.  We fear that showing our true self will result in others; especially the addict, rejecting us.  While we long for intimacy, we fear allowing anyone to get too close.  If we are convinced of God’s love for us, however we are free to love others unconditionally and to allow them to love us, just as we are.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, 

shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"

(Romans 8:38, 39).

Being certain of God’s love for us, and our inability to control anyone or anything, we are ready and willing to seek God’s wisdom and guidance.  In doing so, our focus is taken off the addict and placed on our personal unhealthiness and on the only One who can transform us.  At this point we have transitioned from idolatry into worship of the One true God!  Genuine and lasting healing will not take place until this transition is made!

Whole-Heartedly,
Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:
             Bonnie Jaeckle
             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life
             Diagonal Progress
             505 Jefferson St.
             Diagonal, IA 50845

The Dysfunctional Family Wheel – Part 3 - Detaching From the Addict

Over the last two weeks I've been writing about addiction and the affect that healing has on the addict and his/her spouse.  Today I would like to explain the need for the spouse to learn to detach from the addict.  While the Bible teaches, "For in Him we live and move and exist” (Acts 17:28), the spouse has learned to live and move and have his/her being in the addict rather than in God.  This is idolatry and is no less sinful than the addict’s behavior!

Learning to live a life not centered on the addict sets both parties free to be responsible for their own behavior.  However, detachment is not an easy task.  One of the strongest, but subconscious reasons for attachment is that preoccupation with the addict’s behavior takes the spouse’s focus off of his/her own unhealthiness.  The spouse has been blaming the addict for years for his/her unhappiness because it is easier than blaming himself/herself.  Evaluating our own hearts feels too risky, consequently we tend to do anything to avoid it, including focusing on someone else’s issues rather than our own!

Detachment does not mean giving-up on or abandoning the addict, rather it means recognizing their behavior is not our responsibility nor is true happiness found in them, but in God.

Our focus must become centered on our relationship with God 

rather than the addict and their behavior.

I’m reminded of a wife who came to the place of being thankful for her husband’s addiction because she recognized that God had used it to expose her unhealthy heart and to draw her to Himself.  Where does one begin to make such a transition?

Although it may not be his/her intention, the spouse is attempting to play God when he/she tries to control people and circumstances.  His/her subconscious goal is to create relationships and an environment in which he/she feels safe, however we must submit to the reality that we are not truly able to control anyone or any situation.  The first step toward detachment is coming to the realization that God is sovereign over all things and people.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"

(Proverbs 3:5, 6).

The spouse tends to be in denial regarding his/her own problems.  He/she typically fails to recognize that his/her actions and reactions to the addict are not only unhelpful, but feed into the addict’s behavior.  The next step in detachment is to acknowledge the reality of his/her own unhealthiness and admit his/her part in the addictive cycle.

"If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins 

and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us"

(1 John 1:8-10).

Facing what we truly are is frightening!  We fear facing our own unresolved issues.  We fear that showing our true self will result in others; especially the addict, rejecting us.  While we long for intimacy, we fear allowing anyone to get too close.  If we are convinced of God’s love for us, however we are free to love others unconditionally and to allow them to love us, just as we are.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, 

shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"

(Romans 8:38, 39).

Being certain of God’s love for us, and our inability to control anyone or anything, we are ready and willing to seek God’s wisdom and guidance.  In doing so, our focus is taken off the addict and placed on our personal unhealthiness and on the only One who can transform us.  At this point we have transitioned from idolatry into worship of the One true God!  Genuine and lasting healing will not take place until this transition is made!

Whole-Heartedly,
Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:
             Bonnie Jaeckle
             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life
             Diagonal Progress
             505 Jefferson St.
             Diagonal, IA 50845

The Dysfunctional Family Wheel – Part 2 There Is Hope

Last week I shared a brief description of a wife who struggles with the changes as her husband turns his back on former addictive behavior.  I also offered some insights about the various roles within the dysfunctional family wheel.  This week I would like to focus on what happens within a marriage when one begins to heal.  First it is important to understand that there is nothing further from the truth than the expectation that everything will simply fall into place if the addiction would only stop.  While the outside world may view the addict as the “sick one in the family,” my typical response to that is, “unhealthy hearts don’t attracted healthy hearts”!  Although it may manifest in varying ways, the spouse is usually no more healthy than the addict, and the contaminated yeast spreads throughout the entire family.  There is more than the visible addictive behavior that needs to change!

Typically the spouse has played the martyr for years, complaining about the addict’s behavior; however when the addict begins to show interest in being more responsible and helpful, the spouse often resents the addict for “butting into” the world that the spouse has controlled “just fine” alone.  Recovering addicts often feel as though they don’t fit in, are not needed and can’t do anything right.  While it is false security, spouses typically feel safer having the addict dependent upon them and are intimidated by their new independence.  Recovering addicts feel that they were more acceptable to the spouse before they began to seek healing and fight the temptation to return to old patterns of coping.

During the early stages of recovery, the addict’s focus is on healing; leading to limited time for family.  In fact, it often seems that one addiction is replaced with another, i.e. from drugs to Bible study and/or recovery meetings.  In an effort to “stay clean,” the addict often separates from compromising relationships and begins to develop relationships with those who are supportive of healing; consequently it’s not uncommon for the spouse to still feel neglected.  They are both either afraid to talk about their feelings for fear that it will only lead to a relapse or the spouse doesn’t mince any words hoping to shame the addict into returning to his/her “normal’ self.  They both begin to wonder if they have anything in common any longer and the addict often feels as though he/she has grown beyond his/her spouse.

Is there any hope?

Addicts are often drowning in guilt; however their spouses have more difficulty recognizing that they too have fed into the unhealthy cycle.  Without conviction that the damage done in the family is just as much their responsibility as that of the addict, there is little hope for marital healing.  Once conviction has settled deep into the heart of those who are trapped in the unhealthy cycle, they must find hope that change can take place.  Without hope there will never be any sustaining action toward healing.

As inconceivable as it may seem, there is hope!  I have seen the redemptive power of God manifest itself in marriages that appeared to be all but dead when humble and contrite hearts place their lives in the hands of God.  I have witnessed the devastation of addiction, restored not to the original unhealthy relationship, but used to build stronger more Christ-like marriages beyond anything the couple ever imagined.

Don’t give up!  Stay-tuned for next week’s article on the process of recovery.

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at: 

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845 

The Dysfunctional Family Wheel

Through my years of counseling, it wasn't uncommon to visit with someone who was struggling with changes in their spouse who was working at leaving an addiction behind.  One would think that they would be elated; however, I was recently reminded of the interesting cycle that takes place which causes great turmoil for the one who is ultimately addicted to their spouse’s addiction.

                                   

Fighting back tears, a wife recently shared that she was tempted to leave her husband who had been off drugs for several months and was now spending a tremendous amount of time in God’s Word and prayer.  We were in a public setting not conducive to much dialogue, but having heard a similar story hundreds of times, I knew that I could almost write her book.

The best description I’ve found is that of a wheel.  The rim represents the family unit.  The hub represents the addict.  The spokes represent the other family members, whose lives are connected to that of the addict.  Through the years, each member takes on a specific role as a means of survival.  They come to understand what their position must be in order to maintain a sense of balance and consequently function accordingly.  As unhealthy as it may be, their role becomes familiar and feels safe to them.

Common roles within this dysfunctional family wheel include:

• Enabler:  Feels responsible for the emotional well-being of others.  While they tend to be peacemakers, inwardly they are angry and self-righteous.
• Scapegoat:  Acts out the unspoken family conflict through disgraceful behavior causing the focus to be taken off of the foundational family issues.
• Hero:  Their worth is dependent upon fulfilling values and dreams of others, regardless of their personal needs or wishes.  Performance-oriented, overly responsible and likely a workaholic in an effort to maintain the coveted family role.
• Mascot:  Family clown attempts to find and offer relief from the emotional pain through joking and silliness.
• Critic:  Faultfinding, sarcasm and mean-spirited teasing are their weapons for gaining power and self-preservation.
• Lost Child:  Withdrawing into their own world through T.V., reading, etc., they cause little problem within the family.
• Manipulator:  Knows every trick to use for controlling each family member in an effort to assure that they get what they want.

When one member of the family begins to find healing and wholeness,

especially the hub,

it throws the entire wheel off balance.

The remaining family members scramble to maintain equilibrium in this new family environment.

A typical reaction is to get angry at the one who has shifted

in an effort to force them “back into alignment.”

It is important to remember that behind every angry heart is fear.  Out of this fear, family members may attempt to sabotage the recovering addict’s efforts because the resulting sense of disequilibrium feels threatening to them.  They are afraid of the unknown, afraid of not being needed any longer; afraid of what their new role may be and afraid of not liking the “new person” who is emerging into their family.  This is why it is so very common to find someone who leaves one addict only to “hook-up with” another.  Without realizing it, they are seeking that which is familiar to them.

How can this wife respond in ways that are most helpful to herself and her husband?  How can her husband continue to find healing, yet help her adjust to the changes she faces?  I hope to offer some suggestions in next week’s “Searching for the Whole Hearted Life”.

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845

God’s Passionate Interest

Our four year old grandson, Dominic was out to visit us this past weekend.  He hadn't been here since our filly, Wonder was born so he was excited to see her.  We all stood back in awe as we watched what happened between them.  Everywhere Dominic went, Wonder was right next to him.  At first Dominic was a bit uncertain about Wonder’s keen interest in him so… he’d find a tree to stand behind, move closer to his dad or find a way to sneak away from her.  Within seconds, however, Wonder would hunt him down and get so close that her nose would be pressed right up against him.  It didn't take long for Dominic to realize that Wonder wasn't trying to hurt him.  From then on, not only was Dominic comfortable with her intense interest in him, he liked it!

As I watched Wonder’s reaction to Dominic, I began to consider,

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise; 
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways. 
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely. 
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, 
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being; 
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful, 
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,

Psalm 139

I can’t even begin to describe how it feels knowing that

God has such a passionate interest in me!

When I consider it,

I’m so humbled that my heart immediately bows in His glory.

When we were telling Dominic how special he must be to Wonder, he informed us that, “Wonder likes me because I smell like strawberries.”  We have no idea why he thinks he smells like strawberries, but he had concluded that was the reason why Wonder didn’t want to leave his side.

I’m not sure if we have any particular scent about us that God is too very interested in.  However, the all-knowing, ever-present High God never lets us out of His sight simply because … we are His.

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845

Where Then Did the Weeds Come From?

Knowing that our neighbor hadn't had time to work in her flower beds, I went to plant some flowers for her.  “Tell me where you want them and just sit back and enjoy,” I contended.  She was so excited!  She and her daughters were good company while I placed each plant in its specified spot.

Wanting to do something in return, my neighbor offered me some of her comfrey plant.  With shovel in hand, I eagerly began to dig deep and hard into its roots.  Confused about what I was doing, my neighbor’s young daughter whispered, “Mommy, why is Bonnie digging up our weeds?”

Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between a weed and a plant with which we believe has significant benefits.  In fact, it often depends upon whom you talk to.  For instance, some folks consider dandelions to be weeds, while others love to eat them, make wine from them or dry their leaves for the health benefits of dandelion tea.

Don’t we sometimes see people in a similar light?  Sadly, I’ve heard others refer to those who function differently from themselves as being “useless” or a “waste of space”.

It may seem to us that all some people do is choke the life out of others

and drain the energy from the environment that they share.

However, if our Creator truly fashioned all things

and has a purpose for everything under the heavens,

then it has to include these “worthless weeds”.

Through the years, I have often referred to those who are difficult for me to be around as “sandpaper people”.  Sandpaper people are those whom God has chosen to be a part of my life for the purpose of exposing and smoothing out my rough edges!  While “weedy people” may seem more offensive than “sandpaper people,” according to Matthew 13:24-30, even “weedy” people have a purpose in our lives:

“The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field.  But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away.  When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

“The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’

“‘An enemy did this,’ he replied.

“The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’

“‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them.  Let both grow together until the harvest.  At that time I will tell the harvesters:  First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’”

The way some Christians talk about others, I often wonder if they aren’t pleading with God to get on with the collecting and burning of “weeds”!  Could it possibly be that they have a few “weedy” characteristics of their own?  Maybe they don’t realize that it is the presence of “weeds” which force us to develop deeper and stronger roots in Him!  I suppose they aren’t aware of the risks of getting uprooted prematurely!   Be careful what you pray for!

  

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845