The Dysfunctional Family Wheel

Through my years of counseling, it wasn't uncommon to visit with someone who was struggling with changes in their spouse who was working at leaving an addiction behind.  One would think that they would be elated; however, I was recently reminded of the interesting cycle that takes place which causes great turmoil for the one who is ultimately addicted to their spouse’s addiction.

                                   

Fighting back tears, a wife recently shared that she was tempted to leave her husband who had been off drugs for several months and was now spending a tremendous amount of time in God’s Word and prayer.  We were in a public setting not conducive to much dialogue, but having heard a similar story hundreds of times, I knew that I could almost write her book.

The best description I’ve found is that of a wheel.  The rim represents the family unit.  The hub represents the addict.  The spokes represent the other family members, whose lives are connected to that of the addict.  Through the years, each member takes on a specific role as a means of survival.  They come to understand what their position must be in order to maintain a sense of balance and consequently function accordingly.  As unhealthy as it may be, their role becomes familiar and feels safe to them.

Common roles within this dysfunctional family wheel include:

• Enabler:  Feels responsible for the emotional well-being of others.  While they tend to be peacemakers, inwardly they are angry and self-righteous.
• Scapegoat:  Acts out the unspoken family conflict through disgraceful behavior causing the focus to be taken off of the foundational family issues.
• Hero:  Their worth is dependent upon fulfilling values and dreams of others, regardless of their personal needs or wishes.  Performance-oriented, overly responsible and likely a workaholic in an effort to maintain the coveted family role.
• Mascot:  Family clown attempts to find and offer relief from the emotional pain through joking and silliness.
• Critic:  Faultfinding, sarcasm and mean-spirited teasing are their weapons for gaining power and self-preservation.
• Lost Child:  Withdrawing into their own world through T.V., reading, etc., they cause little problem within the family.
• Manipulator:  Knows every trick to use for controlling each family member in an effort to assure that they get what they want.

When one member of the family begins to find healing and wholeness,

especially the hub,

it throws the entire wheel off balance.

The remaining family members scramble to maintain equilibrium in this new family environment.

A typical reaction is to get angry at the one who has shifted

in an effort to force them “back into alignment.”

It is important to remember that behind every angry heart is fear.  Out of this fear, family members may attempt to sabotage the recovering addict’s efforts because the resulting sense of disequilibrium feels threatening to them.  They are afraid of the unknown, afraid of not being needed any longer; afraid of what their new role may be and afraid of not liking the “new person” who is emerging into their family.  This is why it is so very common to find someone who leaves one addict only to “hook-up with” another.  Without realizing it, they are seeking that which is familiar to them.

How can this wife respond in ways that are most helpful to herself and her husband?  How can her husband continue to find healing, yet help her adjust to the changes she faces?  I hope to offer some suggestions in next week’s “Searching for the Whole Hearted Life”.

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845

God’s Passionate Interest

Our four year old grandson, Dominic was out to visit us this past weekend.  He hadn't been here since our filly, Wonder was born so he was excited to see her.  We all stood back in awe as we watched what happened between them.  Everywhere Dominic went, Wonder was right next to him.  At first Dominic was a bit uncertain about Wonder’s keen interest in him so… he’d find a tree to stand behind, move closer to his dad or find a way to sneak away from her.  Within seconds, however, Wonder would hunt him down and get so close that her nose would be pressed right up against him.  It didn't take long for Dominic to realize that Wonder wasn't trying to hurt him.  From then on, not only was Dominic comfortable with her intense interest in him, he liked it!

As I watched Wonder’s reaction to Dominic, I began to consider,

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise; 
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways. 
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely. 
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, 
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being; 
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful, 
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,

Psalm 139

I can’t even begin to describe how it feels knowing that

God has such a passionate interest in me!

When I consider it,

I’m so humbled that my heart immediately bows in His glory.

When we were telling Dominic how special he must be to Wonder, he informed us that, “Wonder likes me because I smell like strawberries.”  We have no idea why he thinks he smells like strawberries, but he had concluded that was the reason why Wonder didn’t want to leave his side.

I’m not sure if we have any particular scent about us that God is too very interested in.  However, the all-knowing, ever-present High God never lets us out of His sight simply because … we are His.

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845

Where Then Did the Weeds Come From?

Knowing that our neighbor hadn't had time to work in her flower beds, I went to plant some flowers for her.  “Tell me where you want them and just sit back and enjoy,” I contended.  She was so excited!  She and her daughters were good company while I placed each plant in its specified spot.

Wanting to do something in return, my neighbor offered me some of her comfrey plant.  With shovel in hand, I eagerly began to dig deep and hard into its roots.  Confused about what I was doing, my neighbor’s young daughter whispered, “Mommy, why is Bonnie digging up our weeds?”

Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between a weed and a plant with which we believe has significant benefits.  In fact, it often depends upon whom you talk to.  For instance, some folks consider dandelions to be weeds, while others love to eat them, make wine from them or dry their leaves for the health benefits of dandelion tea.

Don’t we sometimes see people in a similar light?  Sadly, I’ve heard others refer to those who function differently from themselves as being “useless” or a “waste of space”.

It may seem to us that all some people do is choke the life out of others

and drain the energy from the environment that they share.

However, if our Creator truly fashioned all things

and has a purpose for everything under the heavens,

then it has to include these “worthless weeds”.

Through the years, I have often referred to those who are difficult for me to be around as “sandpaper people”.  Sandpaper people are those whom God has chosen to be a part of my life for the purpose of exposing and smoothing out my rough edges!  While “weedy people” may seem more offensive than “sandpaper people,” according to Matthew 13:24-30, even “weedy” people have a purpose in our lives:

“The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field.  But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away.  When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

“The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’

“‘An enemy did this,’ he replied.

“The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’

“‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them.  Let both grow together until the harvest.  At that time I will tell the harvesters:  First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’”

The way some Christians talk about others, I often wonder if they aren’t pleading with God to get on with the collecting and burning of “weeds”!  Could it possibly be that they have a few “weedy” characteristics of their own?  Maybe they don’t realize that it is the presence of “weeds” which force us to develop deeper and stronger roots in Him!  I suppose they aren’t aware of the risks of getting uprooted prematurely!   Be careful what you pray for!

  

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845

HEY, LADY!

A number of years ago, I had the privilege of having my cousin, Missie live with me for a short period.  During that time, she was the “right-hand man” in my Medical-Legal Consulting business.  Not only did our strengths and weaknesses compliment one another as working partners, we had a lot of fun in the process!  It wasn't unusual for one or the other of us to break the tension of what could often be an intense undertaking with some kind of shenanigan.

While traveling together one day, we stopped to use the restroom.  At the rest area, we waited in line for our turn.  Two stalls opened up simultaneously and we took our respective positions.  The day was likely a stress-filled one and I concluded that it would do us both some good if we had something to laugh about, so... after I finished my task, I stood on the toilet seat, hung over the stall wall and said, “Hey, Lady!”  Much to my chagrin, it was not my cousin in the stall next to me!

While the poor victim of my unruly humor grabbed her knees and threw herself across her lap in an effort to protect her personal privacy, my cousin nearly fell off her throne laughing in the next stall over!

Obviously, I do not always prayerfully consider all things when making decisions; instead, I sometimes rely on my own senses!

I now had a new decision to make that would affect both me and this frightened lady:

• Should I hang out here over the stall trying to explain and offer an apology?
• She’d likely not appreciate that!
• Should I try to sneak out of the restroom, hoping that she doesn’t come out and greet me eye to eye?
• I was so befuddled that I wasn’t sure that I was ready for that!
• Should I slide down to the toilet and quietly sit there until she leaves?
• Right or wrong, on the spur of an embarrassing moment, I concluded that this was the best option for both of us!

When we find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation, isn’t it common for us to shoot from the hip rather than taking time to consider our best option?  More times than not the best policy is to sit quietly and pray,

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He will make your paths straight.

Do not be wise in your own eyes…

Proverbs 3:7a

I was reminded in this situation that my fleshly understanding is not trustworthy.  Isn’t it ironic what circumstances God chooses to use to reiterate that our focus always needs to be on the Him and His ways?  Would I be remiss, however, to admit that I would have loved to have been a little mouse listening as the victim of the scene recounted this story to her family and friends?

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845

What Measuring Stick Are You Using?

A number of years ago, Gary and I counseled a couple who, after thirty plus years, were struggling in their marriage.  The husband was a very patriarchal sort and the wife was becoming a bit too independent and “sassy” for his comfort.

It didn’t take long to discover that this man was not only verbally and emotionally abusive to his wife; he was physically and sexually abusive, as well.  While he believed that he was simply fulfilling his God-given role, his wife and children were afraid of him.  Even his large frame, towering stature and domineering demeanor were quite intimidating.

Having been raised in a very male-oriented religious environment, this fella wasn’t too excited about having anyone tell him how he ought to function, especially a woman.  Consequently, in the initial days of our counseling them, I was very careful to not cross that line.  I didn’t want to lose the opportunity to help them by moving across his comfort zone too quickly.

We had been counseling this couple for a few months when the husband made this comment, “Well, at least I treat her better than my dad treated my mom.”  I knew in my heart what I needed to say, but was hesitant because I knew it would make him angry.  The Lord prompted me, “Say it now.”  I swallowed hard, looked “goliath” in the eyes and said, “Your measuring stick is wrong.”  He glared at me and retorted, “What do you mean by that?”  I responded, “Jesus Christ should be your measuring stick for how to treat your wife, not your dad.”  His eyes moved away from mine in silence.

It isn’t uncommon for us to use others as our point of reference for how we approach life,

“At least I’ve never done that!”

“I wish I could be more like her.”

That’s the way my parents and grandparents always did it.”

The reality is…

We are all imitating someone.

No one is an originator!

However, God’s Word warns us to be careful of whom we imitate; Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good. Anyone who does what is good is from God. Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God (3 John 1:11).

We are to be imitators of God as dear children.  And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us…(Ephesians 5:1-2).

What measuring stick are you using?

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845

Move Right On Over, Lord!

 A few weeks ago, we were at my brother, Art’s helping to prepare some land for a new building.  Art needed me to follow him and Gary, who were taking the bulldozer to the construction site.  I proceeded to get into Art’s truck and was about ready to pull out when Art motioned from the dozer asking if I would bring his dog, Pearl with me.  I was delighted to have the opportunity for the ol’ red hound dog to ride along.

In order to reach the handle on the passenger’s door, I slid over onto the console, opened the door and called for Pearl.  She was so excited to be asked that she jumped right past me and plopped herself in front of the steering wheel!  What a scene!  Pearl is full of excitement, I’m stunned and Art is laughing!

How many times has the Lord asked me to do something and I’ve gotten so excited about the opportunity that I jumped ahead of Him and positioned myself in the “driver’s seat” ready to lead the way?  I can guarantee ya that I became an “expert” driver through the years, or so I thought.  My responses to His requests were typically something like this,

“Now that I understand what You want me to do, move right on over, Lord!

Don’t You worry Yourself any.

I can show You how to get there,

when we can expect to arrive

and

exactly who’s coming along for the ride!”

You would have thought that I’d have learned a valuable lesson the first time that I ended up on a “dead-end” road using this approach.  But, Nooo!  Not this girl!  Given any assignment, I was on it like ants on honey leaving God and those who were supposed to be along for the ride in the dust!  Being as determined and independent as I’ve been through the years, God had His work cut out for Him and I was in for a big surprise!

In order to help Pearl understand what I needed for her to do, I got out of the truck… on the passenger’s side, went around to and opened the door on the driver’s side and gently said, “Move over Pearl.”  Without hesitation she obeyed my command and, without further delays or obstacles, we were soon at our destination.  Unlike Pearl, I didn’t always move over quite so easily.  I was so determined to be faithful in fulfilling the assignment that I couldn’t even hear Father’ s voice when He told me it was time to pull over and let Him do the driving!

It wasn’t until I completely ran out of gas while driving for far too long on the same ol’ road that I took my hands off of the wheel and admitted, “Jesus, You’re gonna have to drive.  I’m not sure where I am.  Everyone else has bailed out and I have no idea how to get back home.”

I don’t ever want to be on that road again!  Thanks for the reminder, Pearl!

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie

P.S.  Please feel free to contact me with questions, thoughts, topics you’d like to ponder or to read past articles at: http://whole-heartedlife.blogspot.com/.  You may also contact me at:

             Bonnie Jaeckle

             In Search of the Whole-Hearted Life

             Diagonal Progress

             505 Jefferson St.

             Diagonal, IA 50845

The Funeral – “A Final Act of Love” Part 2

It wasn’t until the Civil War that preservation of bodies through embalming was used in America.  Prior to that, funerals were held at home and families were responsible for and cherished the opportunity for “laying out of the dead” loved one.  “The grave was as familiar as the cradle.”

Why are Americans typically more fearful of contamination from a buried body with a potential communicable disease than a body pumped full of carcinogens, laid in metal coffins in “sealed” vaults under chemically fertilized lawns?

Turning the care of a dead loved one over to the “experts”

is a uniquely American custom,

whereas families fully participate in other countries.

Rather than paying an “outsider” thousands of dollars

to mutilate our loved one’s body in order to preserve it for a few days,

doesn’t it seem more respectful

to personally, gently and lovingly care for them ourselves,

yet allowing their corpse to appear as it is; dead?

Why do we try to make dead people look alive anyway?

“That surely can’t be legal; can it?”  It absolutely is!  Attorney Lisa Carlson’s

Caring for the Dead – Your Final Act Of Love - A complete guide for those making funeral arrangements with or without a funeral director is a wonderful book that offers funeral law for the consumer in each of the 50 states, plus the District of Columbia.

 

In this thorough, well-written book you’ll discover that the funeral “industry encompasses much more than embalming chemical companies and national professional associations.  Casket manufacturers, florists, cosmetic corporations, automobile companies, cemetery associations, insurance agencies, and other related businesses played a role in the financial triumph of the industry, which was generating billions of dollars per year in economic activity by the end of the twentieth century”.  Rather than feeding into this multi-billion dollar industry, we do have another option.  Most state codes are very clear about the privilege of burying our own dead:

• Embalming is routinely not required.
• There are typically no regulations regarding caskets.
• No state requires liners or vaults.
• Grave markers are not required.
• Burials on private property are normally allowed, with a few reasonable guidelines.

The cost of an average traditional funeral is $7-10,000.  This is 13% of the median American family’s annual income!  Most families simply can not afford this!  Enters… the “need” for Funeral Insurance.  Considering that obtaining a death certificate and a permit to transport the body for disposition, building a casket, digging a hole and making a personalized grave marker costs only a couple hundred dollars, is Funeral Insurance truly a necessity?  Americans are surely inclined to think so.

Karen Russell, director of the National Grief Support Services correctly states, “The biggest myth of all time is that time heals all.  Time does not heal; it’s the action that heals”!  In seeking a Whole-Hearted approach to every aspect of my life, I’ve come to realize that even my understanding of what’s “necessary” for the burial of loved ones has changed.  While I desire for my actions to demonstrate respect and devotion to those I love, American tradition need not be my model.  In fact, it often gets in the way.

How well our loved ones are presented in their casket doesn’t offer a genuine expression of our love for them or bring healing to our hurting hearts.  Instead, it is through ongoing acts of love that healing comes and honor is expressed.  A dear brother in Jesus worded this so beautifully when he shared with me, “there need not be any finality to the acts of love that we express for those whom we are forced to surrender up.  We continue to act out our love for them, as you have done, by our testimonies concerning them and by our deliberate practical ‘imitation’ of what we saw of Christ in them.  What God brought into our lives through them will continue to honor them, when we give expression to it.”

I pray that I never stop demonstrating honor and love for Momma through what I say and how I live my life.  May I never stop giving thanks for the blessings of being her daughter!

Whole-Heartedly,

Bonnie